The other day I was asked to participate in a very amazing fundraiser that focuses on domestic abuse. In addition to just telling my own story and recovery, I've also offered to write some articles and get my stagnating journalist muscle flexing. In doing so, I've done a lot of research on the subject and am just shocked at some of the things I didn't know!
Some of the things just seem so... simple in a way, but it strikes home. If I had to do a piece on abuse while I was in the relationship, and furthermore read some of these things, would it have alerted me to my own situation sooner?
From the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence on signs of emotional abuse: Putting her down.Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she is crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.
I could have bolded every thing in that list. I know it seems almost common sense, but just seeing the stark numbers of it, next to charts against physical and sexual abuse makes me realize how prominent emotional abuse is in our society.
One of the things I hope to focus on is how society can take action against this. Like I have mentioned many times over, I have encountered a disturbing amount of resistance to mt situation, up to having people ask for proof on the situation. I have offered up names and contact info of people who would gladly speak of things they witnessed, but none have made the effort to get in touch them. It's alarming to me that we would bury our heads in the sand about this issue so much, because we don't want it affecting our little view of the world.
To an extent I can understand and forgive people who would call me a liar and believe what he says over me. As a friend put it, "[he] does a good job of destroying someone's reputation and character before they even get a chance to tell their side of things." It's true, I saw that enough.
I don't really stand to gain anything by going public about this. As I've stated before, I am not looking for retribution or punishment for my ex. If I did, I'd be a lot more public about who it is and a lot more forceful in having my story heard in places it would matter to him. No, what I want is a social revolution, of sorts, and for people to wake up and realize this does happen. Yeah, the guy you know may be funny, happy-go-lucky and "not capable of these things." But how well do you really know him? For four years of friendship I thought I did. I hate to be cliche, but how many murderers and sexual predators do you hear their friends and family say in news bites, "I never suspected that of him."
A sign of a good abuser, liar, and sociopath is they can hide these things even from their best friends and family. In my case, a lot of people were aware of this man's behaviour, but though that with me he was either better, or felt the need to not get involved because they didn't know me. And it is tough to get involved and speak out to someone who sees the good in this person and chooses to not believe the negative things they have been told before.
I will say the things I have learned about my ex since becoming public about this are disgusting. I knew he had some obscure tastes and bad judgment calls when it came to associating with women online, but the tales of underage solicitation for webcam pics and the level he weeds his way into women's lives makes me wonder how much he was hiding from me during our time together.
Some people would say that it is my job to make sure he gets what he deserves. But in all honesty, until every person who has told me what they know in private makes the choice to open up and speak about it, I am just one person with one story, and apparently in some circles, my word isn't worth much.
So until the time that other people feel they can stand up with me, and those around the world will stand with their friends who have gone through or are going through this, I will plug away here, and do what I can to encourage the world that we need to stand together and fight this.
Here are a couple of sites I was researching today:
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/FactSheets.php
http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence.html
http://www.rileycenter.org/domestic-violence-statistics.html
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/FactSheets.php
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Naivety
Sometimes I live in a world of black and white and absolutes. I understand that life isn't at all like that, but sometimes it's hard for my sheltered mind to comprehend that there is a gray space in between.
And perhaps it is naive for me to think that because of what happened to me, I have a right to speak up, a right to be heard, and a right to be believed. I never once expected to have to face being called a liar, or having my story doubted.
It is so hard for me to understand, in this modern and learned society of ours, that I would encounter what I have since coming forward about my abuse. I'm not going to apologize if this embarrasses anybody. I'm not going to be made to feel bad if this makes life inconvenient for him. Furthermore, the negativity has given me an even greater reason to speak out about my particular story, because it means there are other people out there who are facing this, and they need a voice of their own.
It is ridiculous to me that I have been told to produce proof or ask his other exes to revisit their own pain and share their stories.
If they want to, they are welcome to. I am sure they are just done with that chapter in their life and want to move on, as one day I will even move on from this blog. I will not ask my friends to get involved, but they have certainly not shied away from anyone who has asked them what happened. (And, they know they are welcome to speak at length about what they have witnessed and known, and do not need to ask my permission to do so). They may not have seen the worst of it, but they saw enough to know what was going on was bad.
Someone told me the other day that they heard his side of the story, and that it didn't match up with mine. Well, of course not, I don't think he's going to say, "Well, yes, I did in fact put her down constantly and make her feel like shit. And no, no, I didn't hit her, but I did attack her. You know, it's just not the same as striking someone."
When he would tell the story of his one ex who claimed physical abuse, he twisted the story to some ridiculous version that you simply could not believe. When she told her side of the story, it was certainly a lot more plausible, but I discredited her all the same. I really believed, because of what this person had said and I had seen gone on through fights on the internet, that she was capable of fabricating such tales.
I still kick myself for not taking her warnings, and am shamed for doing to her what I am going through now.
I really thought that if I was the one to go public, it would make a difference. For all the people that read this and feel uncomfortable, or feel the need to lay blame on me, or call into question what I went through, get out of my life now. I don't need your negativity or your ambivalence.
What do I hope to achieve from all this? Someone asked me that yesterday. They wanted to know if I wanted an apology from certain people, or him to be shunned from society. I told them no. I don't want any of that. I want people to understand what happened to me. I want him to get the help he needs for his issues. And I want to do what I can to make sure other people who are in abusive situations know they have the choice of leaving.
And perhaps it is naive for me to think that because of what happened to me, I have a right to speak up, a right to be heard, and a right to be believed. I never once expected to have to face being called a liar, or having my story doubted.
It is so hard for me to understand, in this modern and learned society of ours, that I would encounter what I have since coming forward about my abuse. I'm not going to apologize if this embarrasses anybody. I'm not going to be made to feel bad if this makes life inconvenient for him. Furthermore, the negativity has given me an even greater reason to speak out about my particular story, because it means there are other people out there who are facing this, and they need a voice of their own.
It is ridiculous to me that I have been told to produce proof or ask his other exes to revisit their own pain and share their stories.
If they want to, they are welcome to. I am sure they are just done with that chapter in their life and want to move on, as one day I will even move on from this blog. I will not ask my friends to get involved, but they have certainly not shied away from anyone who has asked them what happened. (And, they know they are welcome to speak at length about what they have witnessed and known, and do not need to ask my permission to do so). They may not have seen the worst of it, but they saw enough to know what was going on was bad.
Someone told me the other day that they heard his side of the story, and that it didn't match up with mine. Well, of course not, I don't think he's going to say, "Well, yes, I did in fact put her down constantly and make her feel like shit. And no, no, I didn't hit her, but I did attack her. You know, it's just not the same as striking someone."
When he would tell the story of his one ex who claimed physical abuse, he twisted the story to some ridiculous version that you simply could not believe. When she told her side of the story, it was certainly a lot more plausible, but I discredited her all the same. I really believed, because of what this person had said and I had seen gone on through fights on the internet, that she was capable of fabricating such tales.
I still kick myself for not taking her warnings, and am shamed for doing to her what I am going through now.
I really thought that if I was the one to go public, it would make a difference. For all the people that read this and feel uncomfortable, or feel the need to lay blame on me, or call into question what I went through, get out of my life now. I don't need your negativity or your ambivalence.
What do I hope to achieve from all this? Someone asked me that yesterday. They wanted to know if I wanted an apology from certain people, or him to be shunned from society. I told them no. I don't want any of that. I want people to understand what happened to me. I want him to get the help he needs for his issues. And I want to do what I can to make sure other people who are in abusive situations know they have the choice of leaving.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thank You
It was a strange sense of freedom I felt when I woke up this morning. I didn't think I would sleep at all last night, after making this blog public. It's something I've been considering doing for awhile, not just to make my auxiliary friends aware of why I haven't been in the best of moods and mindset over the past year or so, but because I know that sharing my struggles and triumph over them can, and will help someone else.
I was amazed at the response I had when I woke up this morning. I don't know what I was expecting (the worse, probably) but so many people emailed and messaged me to let me know I was doing the right thing... and furthermore, so many people shared their own stories with me. I simply had no idea.
I don't think abuse is something that defines us, or should be who we are. I don't say I am a victim. Yet, I am now among the members of a group of people who have gone through hell and come out better for it. That gives me something to smile about.
Because no matter what he says, or random people online who feel the need to make their negativity (anonymously) known, I can go forward knowing I am a better person for all of this.
I was amazed at the response I had when I woke up this morning. I don't know what I was expecting (the worse, probably) but so many people emailed and messaged me to let me know I was doing the right thing... and furthermore, so many people shared their own stories with me. I simply had no idea.
I don't think abuse is something that defines us, or should be who we are. I don't say I am a victim. Yet, I am now among the members of a group of people who have gone through hell and come out better for it. That gives me something to smile about.
Because no matter what he says, or random people online who feel the need to make their negativity (anonymously) known, I can go forward knowing I am a better person for all of this.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Outsider
I've increasingly found myself feeling like an outsider in my own life. It's a problem I've dealt with for the majority of what I can remember, but it seems worse now. I think my friends have picked up on it to (or they found this blog and read a previous entry) and have been really good about making sure I know I'm important in their lives. And it's nice, great... really. But I still have some garbage dragging me down.
I can't stop help thinking about another group of friends I had, and wonder what I did that was so wrong to make them cease talking to me all together. This was a group that I really believed in, and thought, "Wow, these people get it. They'll be good. They're ambitious, and seem to want the best for everyone around them." Then, inevitably, like I do with any already established group of people I find myself in, I started to feel like I didn't really belong. I developed my usual set of fears that they didn't like me, based on a myriad of reasons, and on top of that, the ex would find ways to make me feel like such a horrible person about being a "diva, bitch, stuck up snob, elitist, etc" that he pretty much had me convinced there is no reason these good people should like me.
They were also some of the first people I came out to about my problems with him. The first ones I really opened up to, outside of a few friends who saw and knew what was going on and were trying to get me to leave the situation. And maybe it was my own fault this happened. Though they all expressed horrified sympathy with what I told them, I also encouraged them to remain his friend and not get involved (I really didn't think they would get involved, they are the type of people to kind of stay out of drama). But I didn't want my problems inconveniencing anyone. I just also thought that they would be there for me as well.
And they haven't been there for me like I wanted. But it's my fault for not telling them that I need them, too. And it just makes me feel like a shitty person.
I've recently learned I have a reputation (among the internet, and generally people who do not matter) as a person who burns bridges and goes through groups of people. I think if you don't know me, and know of my alter-ego (and mainly what is said on tabloid related sites that people who watched foriegn cartoons or play video games all day long lurk on) that I can see where it would seem that way. I have been a part of many groups, and usually within a year or two I leave them.
Other than two cases, I can't think of a single one where it ended badly though. And even now, I'm friends with a good majority of those people. Are we as close as we were? In some cases, even closer. That's the thing, friends do have falling outs, I accept that, and I think because of that, I tend to be extra shy when problems or "drama" arises. Also, every one of these groups I was a part of had one thing in common, nerd conventions and dressing up like cartoon characters. Outside of that circle of friendships, I'll be honest, I haven't had a single falling out with people that it wasn't able to be repaired in a week or a month at most. And that drama never found itself made public and on the internet.
I just think with artists there is an element of the dramatic, and we're all very creative, and emotional people, so tempers tend to run a little higher, and things are taken a bit more personal. So, I mean, I tend to be a bit head-shy when I start to see conflicts arise with those groups of people. My general response? Flight.
I really hate conflict. It seems almost like a lie, since I often find myself in it. But I will stick up for things I believe in, and it usually leads me to an argument with someone I can't hope to win. But that is usually on an individual basis. I just don't know how to handle myself in a group of friends. I think it's because I always felt like the outsider.
I'm very thankful for this "new" group of old friends that has built up organically around me. I feel safer here, because I didn't step in to an already established dynamic, and two of them I had a brutal falling out with and I feel we are closer, and better friends for it. They have been very supportive for everything I am going through. They understand this isn't easy, and I wont get better in a day or a week. They have even gotten good at picking up my slight changes in mood, and do what they can to cheer me up, or make me feel included, when I would otherwise retreat into a book or video game.
I think I would be in a very sorry state of depression if it wasn't for my friends. It's very hard combating the words my "dark side of the brain" will whisper to me. All the things he cultivated in me. Fears I had never known, this overwhelming feeling of "not being good enough" and the constant reminder of how horrible a person I was.
There was a time when I would believe I deserved all this. That I would push away even these good people because I felt I wasn't worth it. I see things a little bit different now. I know I have a lot to overcome, and I know there are things I've done that haven't always been kind, or right, or in the best interest of others. But nothing I've done is evil, nothing I've done can compare to what he did to me (and others, too). My friends are teaching me that lesson, and I am finally starting to learn it.
Thank you.
I can't stop help thinking about another group of friends I had, and wonder what I did that was so wrong to make them cease talking to me all together. This was a group that I really believed in, and thought, "Wow, these people get it. They'll be good. They're ambitious, and seem to want the best for everyone around them." Then, inevitably, like I do with any already established group of people I find myself in, I started to feel like I didn't really belong. I developed my usual set of fears that they didn't like me, based on a myriad of reasons, and on top of that, the ex would find ways to make me feel like such a horrible person about being a "diva, bitch, stuck up snob, elitist, etc" that he pretty much had me convinced there is no reason these good people should like me.
They were also some of the first people I came out to about my problems with him. The first ones I really opened up to, outside of a few friends who saw and knew what was going on and were trying to get me to leave the situation. And maybe it was my own fault this happened. Though they all expressed horrified sympathy with what I told them, I also encouraged them to remain his friend and not get involved (I really didn't think they would get involved, they are the type of people to kind of stay out of drama). But I didn't want my problems inconveniencing anyone. I just also thought that they would be there for me as well.
And they haven't been there for me like I wanted. But it's my fault for not telling them that I need them, too. And it just makes me feel like a shitty person.
I've recently learned I have a reputation (among the internet, and generally people who do not matter) as a person who burns bridges and goes through groups of people. I think if you don't know me, and know of my alter-ego (and mainly what is said on tabloid related sites that people who watched foriegn cartoons or play video games all day long lurk on) that I can see where it would seem that way. I have been a part of many groups, and usually within a year or two I leave them.
Other than two cases, I can't think of a single one where it ended badly though. And even now, I'm friends with a good majority of those people. Are we as close as we were? In some cases, even closer. That's the thing, friends do have falling outs, I accept that, and I think because of that, I tend to be extra shy when problems or "drama" arises. Also, every one of these groups I was a part of had one thing in common, nerd conventions and dressing up like cartoon characters. Outside of that circle of friendships, I'll be honest, I haven't had a single falling out with people that it wasn't able to be repaired in a week or a month at most. And that drama never found itself made public and on the internet.
I just think with artists there is an element of the dramatic, and we're all very creative, and emotional people, so tempers tend to run a little higher, and things are taken a bit more personal. So, I mean, I tend to be a bit head-shy when I start to see conflicts arise with those groups of people. My general response? Flight.
I really hate conflict. It seems almost like a lie, since I often find myself in it. But I will stick up for things I believe in, and it usually leads me to an argument with someone I can't hope to win. But that is usually on an individual basis. I just don't know how to handle myself in a group of friends. I think it's because I always felt like the outsider.
I'm very thankful for this "new" group of old friends that has built up organically around me. I feel safer here, because I didn't step in to an already established dynamic, and two of them I had a brutal falling out with and I feel we are closer, and better friends for it. They have been very supportive for everything I am going through. They understand this isn't easy, and I wont get better in a day or a week. They have even gotten good at picking up my slight changes in mood, and do what they can to cheer me up, or make me feel included, when I would otherwise retreat into a book or video game.
I think I would be in a very sorry state of depression if it wasn't for my friends. It's very hard combating the words my "dark side of the brain" will whisper to me. All the things he cultivated in me. Fears I had never known, this overwhelming feeling of "not being good enough" and the constant reminder of how horrible a person I was.
There was a time when I would believe I deserved all this. That I would push away even these good people because I felt I wasn't worth it. I see things a little bit different now. I know I have a lot to overcome, and I know there are things I've done that haven't always been kind, or right, or in the best interest of others. But nothing I've done is evil, nothing I've done can compare to what he did to me (and others, too). My friends are teaching me that lesson, and I am finally starting to learn it.
Thank you.
Friday, June 17, 2011
In Brightest Day
Tonight I went out to a movie.
Okay, that in itself is no great feat, but with how I've been feeling so anti-social and awkward, I'm pretty proud of myself for leaving the house. And pushing myself to spend time with a new friend.
We went and saw Green Lantern. It was terrible. If you know of my alter-ego, I will post a full review of the film on that site. But I did walk away better off than when I sat down.
There's this thing about the Green Lanterns. Their whole power is based on willpower. They're not fearless, but have the ability to overcome fear. And I think I did a bit of that myself tonight.
I'm not a super hero. I'm just a girl who, by some accounts, has had an extraordinary amount of garbage dumped on her in the past couple of years. I don't always deal with it in the best way possible, or in some cases, deal with it at all. Sometimes I just bury my head in the sand, like I mentioned earlier.
Tonight though, I made an effort to spend time with a new friend I think is pretty rad, despite having a prior friendship with my ex. Not knowing what she has heard about me, and fearing the worse, I invited her out to the movie with another super rad friend and I. I almost didn't. But when I saw she posted on Facebook about wanting to go see GL tonight and looking for people to see it with, I told myself to take that chance. We have met at a few events, and talk somewhat regularly online, and seem to have a lot in common, and well, damnit. I told myself I can't just piss away potentially cool people because I am afraid my ex is being his charming self and saying all sorts of wonderful things about me.
It was a huge step for me.
I'm usually very timid about making new friends. It's a social skill I never learned as a child. Add that to becoming downright afraid of what people think of me now, it's no wonder I rarely leave my house.
I was also very shocked today when another friend, who was telling me about how a mutual acquaintance of ours had been asking about me. My friend didn't divulge the details of what's been going on, but said how I've been going through some rough times, but am coming out better and more brave because of it. She told me she thinks I am brave. She also told me that I have inspired her through my trials and subsequent candidness about them and my journey to recovery.
It really, really made me smile. Like I said, I'm no super girl, but knowing that I can help at least one person makes all of this worth it. Even if her circumstances are different, the chances I take about opening up about this is not only helping me, but helping others. Thank you, my friend, your belief in me and your own courage, gives me strength.
Okay, that in itself is no great feat, but with how I've been feeling so anti-social and awkward, I'm pretty proud of myself for leaving the house. And pushing myself to spend time with a new friend.
We went and saw Green Lantern. It was terrible. If you know of my alter-ego, I will post a full review of the film on that site. But I did walk away better off than when I sat down.
There's this thing about the Green Lanterns. Their whole power is based on willpower. They're not fearless, but have the ability to overcome fear. And I think I did a bit of that myself tonight.
I'm not a super hero. I'm just a girl who, by some accounts, has had an extraordinary amount of garbage dumped on her in the past couple of years. I don't always deal with it in the best way possible, or in some cases, deal with it at all. Sometimes I just bury my head in the sand, like I mentioned earlier.
Tonight though, I made an effort to spend time with a new friend I think is pretty rad, despite having a prior friendship with my ex. Not knowing what she has heard about me, and fearing the worse, I invited her out to the movie with another super rad friend and I. I almost didn't. But when I saw she posted on Facebook about wanting to go see GL tonight and looking for people to see it with, I told myself to take that chance. We have met at a few events, and talk somewhat regularly online, and seem to have a lot in common, and well, damnit. I told myself I can't just piss away potentially cool people because I am afraid my ex is being his charming self and saying all sorts of wonderful things about me.
It was a huge step for me.
I'm usually very timid about making new friends. It's a social skill I never learned as a child. Add that to becoming downright afraid of what people think of me now, it's no wonder I rarely leave my house.
I was also very shocked today when another friend, who was telling me about how a mutual acquaintance of ours had been asking about me. My friend didn't divulge the details of what's been going on, but said how I've been going through some rough times, but am coming out better and more brave because of it. She told me she thinks I am brave. She also told me that I have inspired her through my trials and subsequent candidness about them and my journey to recovery.
It really, really made me smile. Like I said, I'm no super girl, but knowing that I can help at least one person makes all of this worth it. Even if her circumstances are different, the chances I take about opening up about this is not only helping me, but helping others. Thank you, my friend, your belief in me and your own courage, gives me strength.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Fears
Despite a great weekend, since I've been back, I've been locking myself up more than usual, and avoiding even my "safe" friends. Obviously the people I surround myself with now are aware of what's happened to me (if not first hand witnesses of it, and are the ones who helped me break away from the situation) but sometimes... I just don't know.
I just don't feel like I belong.
Everyone will be having a great time, laughing at an inside joke we all share, or a silly video on the internet and my mind will be elsewhere. I hate feeling like I'm bringing down everyone around me, even though they all encourage me to be open about this and not bottle it up.
Sometimes though other friends and acquaintances will come around, and I have to deal with the reality outside of this safe haven I've built up for myself.
Lately, more and more people have been coming to me and saying, 'I was talking to your ex the other day, and he said something strange/weird/awkward/ridiculous. He said that if I heard from you that he hit you to not believe it and you're making it up. So, um, are you okay/what's going on?'
The first few times this was brought up, my heart raced and the memory of that night would come upon me like some catastrophic event. Now I just sigh in exacerbation and say the same thing I have since the first time, "No, he didn't hit me. He shoved me and his hands went around my neck. Then he chased me out of his house, and when I got into my car, started banging on the window, then stood in front of [my car] when I was trying to get away." At this point any one of my friends who either rescued me that night, or heard him admit to this on a speakerphone conversation, if they are around, will jump in and say, "It doesn't matter is he hit her, chocked her, or simply shoved her. You don't lay your hands on someone out of anger. And... you probably should have run him over." I know they add the last bit to try and make me laugh.
Then the person who initially brought up this conversation would generally hug me, or tell me they are sorry, or more often than not lately, tell me how they thought something was up based on previous rumours of this person physically attacking other girlfriends (and not just the one everyone knows about).
It's still so hard to talk about this, even when I am "defending" myself. I really don't know what to do sometimes. I live in constant fear of this person, because I know once he has decided someone is his "enemy" he does everything he can to make them out to be a terrible human being, and find ways to take away the things they love. I know this, because I watched him do this time and again to so many people.
I should have stopped him from doing it to others. I should have run away when the first time I thought "if I ever leave him, or give him reason to doubt me, he will do this to me too."
When I first broke up with him I was in tears to anyone that would listen about the fears I had of what he would try to do to me. Everyone said he wouldn't, that he isn't like that, or the ones that knew him better said "What can he really do to you? You're too good, you have a real life, a real career, and real friends." But I still remember trying to find someone who would listen to me.
I've tried to bury my head in the sand enough to not see or hear about what he may be trying to do, but it still filters through. I also know that by continuing this blog, I invite more of his anger and the potential for him to continue on this path, or it getting worse, grows.
But I feel, somehow, if I document this and if it does happen, then people will know. Someone will listen this time.
I just don't feel like I belong.
Everyone will be having a great time, laughing at an inside joke we all share, or a silly video on the internet and my mind will be elsewhere. I hate feeling like I'm bringing down everyone around me, even though they all encourage me to be open about this and not bottle it up.
Sometimes though other friends and acquaintances will come around, and I have to deal with the reality outside of this safe haven I've built up for myself.
Lately, more and more people have been coming to me and saying, 'I was talking to your ex the other day, and he said something strange/weird/awkward/ridiculous. He said that if I heard from you that he hit you to not believe it and you're making it up. So, um, are you okay/what's going on?'
The first few times this was brought up, my heart raced and the memory of that night would come upon me like some catastrophic event. Now I just sigh in exacerbation and say the same thing I have since the first time, "No, he didn't hit me. He shoved me and his hands went around my neck. Then he chased me out of his house, and when I got into my car, started banging on the window, then stood in front of [my car] when I was trying to get away." At this point any one of my friends who either rescued me that night, or heard him admit to this on a speakerphone conversation, if they are around, will jump in and say, "It doesn't matter is he hit her, chocked her, or simply shoved her. You don't lay your hands on someone out of anger. And... you probably should have run him over." I know they add the last bit to try and make me laugh.
Then the person who initially brought up this conversation would generally hug me, or tell me they are sorry, or more often than not lately, tell me how they thought something was up based on previous rumours of this person physically attacking other girlfriends (and not just the one everyone knows about).
It's still so hard to talk about this, even when I am "defending" myself. I really don't know what to do sometimes. I live in constant fear of this person, because I know once he has decided someone is his "enemy" he does everything he can to make them out to be a terrible human being, and find ways to take away the things they love. I know this, because I watched him do this time and again to so many people.
I should have stopped him from doing it to others. I should have run away when the first time I thought "if I ever leave him, or give him reason to doubt me, he will do this to me too."
When I first broke up with him I was in tears to anyone that would listen about the fears I had of what he would try to do to me. Everyone said he wouldn't, that he isn't like that, or the ones that knew him better said "What can he really do to you? You're too good, you have a real life, a real career, and real friends." But I still remember trying to find someone who would listen to me.
I've tried to bury my head in the sand enough to not see or hear about what he may be trying to do, but it still filters through. I also know that by continuing this blog, I invite more of his anger and the potential for him to continue on this path, or it getting worse, grows.
But I feel, somehow, if I document this and if it does happen, then people will know. Someone will listen this time.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Confidence
It's something I've been in short supply of, but after this weekend, I found I can stand on my own two feet.
I don't know when it was I lost my self confidence, I know it wasn't around much when I met "He Who Shall Not Be Named" because I feel if I hadn't been full of some self loathing, I never would have been attracted to that person. Any bit of it was certainly destroyed while we were together.
I used to not be able to take any criticism, and when you put yourself out there for people to see and comment on, having a thin skin is akin to going into an ant hill covered in honey. I grew to ignore the mean comments anonymous people would say about me on the Internet and overtime came to laugh at them. A few years back, it could even be said I was too proud, and thought too highly of myself. Maybe it was mostly a mask, maybe because of it being so fragile, I ended up where I was - feeling worthless, taking the blame of everything laid upon me, allowing one person to determine my worth (and what he would say to and about me, it obviously wasn't worth a hey-penny).
For nearly the past two years I had been attending trade shows with this person as my partner. Not just my boyfriend, but someone who I would share the spotlight with, and would help me get to where I needed to be and present my topics and put forth the best foot. I also wanted to give him a chance to shine and show off. Plus, for me, it was always an excuse for a romantic get-a-way, to take us out of our day-to-day and maybe show that when the stress of real life was gone, we could just be happy with each other. It never worked, the shows seemed to bring out the worse in both of us.
I still remember the first time we went to a show as a couple, this was a big deal for me because I was a guest at a well known, well attended, conference. We get to the hotel with less than two hours until my first panel, and he tosses some clothes on the bed, tells me to iron them, and informs me he's going to wander around. I was in tears. It also should have been a big warning sign of things to come. I was so stressed out at this point, and just so hurt that this person I was so excited to be with at this show just up and left me. And when he found out how sad I was, I was told to "shut up and get over it." I don't know how many times I had heard that phrase from him in the course of our relationship. I apparently never learned to shut up and get over things though, since he would yell it at me so often.
But things like this wore me down, and I was scared coming out here this weekend. Not just because I was in charge of a large event, but my "real work" entrusted me with a big responsibility too.
This was the first show I did without his support, be it good or bad (because it wasn't always "shut up and get over it, that was usually just in response to me feeling overwhelmed, which was usually caused because my support structure wasn't sound to begin with...). Regardless, this weekend was on me. And you know what? I owned it.
Not for nothing I brought a great group of girls to help me this weekend, and they showed me how important having the right support system is when you handle big events, or even small appearances.
So today, I feel a little bit better about myself. I was who I was before I dated this person, and he cannot take that away from me.I was the one who shined. I was the star. One day I'll find someone to share my spotlight, all my love and adventures. And they will appreciate it and be worthy of it. But today, I stand on my own, and I can smile.
I don't know when it was I lost my self confidence, I know it wasn't around much when I met "He Who Shall Not Be Named" because I feel if I hadn't been full of some self loathing, I never would have been attracted to that person. Any bit of it was certainly destroyed while we were together.
I used to not be able to take any criticism, and when you put yourself out there for people to see and comment on, having a thin skin is akin to going into an ant hill covered in honey. I grew to ignore the mean comments anonymous people would say about me on the Internet and overtime came to laugh at them. A few years back, it could even be said I was too proud, and thought too highly of myself. Maybe it was mostly a mask, maybe because of it being so fragile, I ended up where I was - feeling worthless, taking the blame of everything laid upon me, allowing one person to determine my worth (and what he would say to and about me, it obviously wasn't worth a hey-penny).
For nearly the past two years I had been attending trade shows with this person as my partner. Not just my boyfriend, but someone who I would share the spotlight with, and would help me get to where I needed to be and present my topics and put forth the best foot. I also wanted to give him a chance to shine and show off. Plus, for me, it was always an excuse for a romantic get-a-way, to take us out of our day-to-day and maybe show that when the stress of real life was gone, we could just be happy with each other. It never worked, the shows seemed to bring out the worse in both of us.
I still remember the first time we went to a show as a couple, this was a big deal for me because I was a guest at a well known, well attended, conference. We get to the hotel with less than two hours until my first panel, and he tosses some clothes on the bed, tells me to iron them, and informs me he's going to wander around. I was in tears. It also should have been a big warning sign of things to come. I was so stressed out at this point, and just so hurt that this person I was so excited to be with at this show just up and left me. And when he found out how sad I was, I was told to "shut up and get over it." I don't know how many times I had heard that phrase from him in the course of our relationship. I apparently never learned to shut up and get over things though, since he would yell it at me so often.
But things like this wore me down, and I was scared coming out here this weekend. Not just because I was in charge of a large event, but my "real work" entrusted me with a big responsibility too.
This was the first show I did without his support, be it good or bad (because it wasn't always "shut up and get over it, that was usually just in response to me feeling overwhelmed, which was usually caused because my support structure wasn't sound to begin with...). Regardless, this weekend was on me. And you know what? I owned it.
Not for nothing I brought a great group of girls to help me this weekend, and they showed me how important having the right support system is when you handle big events, or even small appearances.
So today, I feel a little bit better about myself. I was who I was before I dated this person, and he cannot take that away from me.I was the one who shined. I was the star. One day I'll find someone to share my spotlight, all my love and adventures. And they will appreciate it and be worthy of it. But today, I stand on my own, and I can smile.
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