"Every picture tells a story" (CBS 48 Hours)

"It also doesn't answer one lingering question. How did a woman like Cathy - a strong woman with friends, family and money - end up a victim of domestic violence?"

While at work today, I came across this story on CBS 48 Hours. While it had such a tragic ending for the woman involved, it is a good piece of journalism that profiles the crime and speaks to the man who reportedly abused and ultimately was found guilty of killing his own wife.



There are some things to note, such as when his ex comes forward with her own story of abuse, and how the family finally came to admit how afraid of this man they were.


Sadly, it cannot answer the question stated above. I don't ever think there is one single, simple answer for this.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/08/06/48hours/main7298101.shtml?tag=contentMain;contentBody

A Date, Heat Rash, and Insomnia

It's 6 am, I think I slept for an hour and a half, and now I'm wide awake and my mind is thinking too much. Ah, the wonders of steroid pills. Luckily this time around I'm on them for a heat rash that decided to creep up my neck, but even on day two they are taking a toll on my system, and my insomnia is out of control.

Or maybe something has to do with having a stupid, shit eating grin on my face for the past two nights.

I went on a date. Well, two dates now, same person. They were... nice. Not to make it sound like the dates were bad in any way, because they weren't. In fact, they were super fun, amazingly fun really, and instantly involved him hanging out with my friends, which could be a good or bad thing depending on what they think of him. Quite honestly, I needed that litmus test, because it seems all of them were aware of what an unhealthy relationship I was in. So, you know, I guess if anyone can weather through that, it may be worth even going on a third date!

It's just different. He is someone I met at an art event, no prior history or friendship. Someone fresh and new. He doesn't know me, my baggage, what I was, what I did, and there isn't any prior notion of who I am and what I'm expected to be. It's refreshing and liberating. I can be *me*.

And while there isn't any notion of a Facebook status change in my relationship, I've pretty much made up my mind to see this person again, once my schedule eases up a bit. And more than likely again after that.

And so, in my giddiness and stupid girlishness, and my insomnia, it started creeping in. The baggage I feared that would inevitably be held over from my last relationship. Or I guess, what I mean to say is, my fear of that baggage. Wondering when it will start to affect my mindset, because let's be honest, you don't go through something like that and expect to have any shred of trust in the next person you meet.

It did come up tonight, the inevitable references to past relationships. I was hoping to hold it off, but I felt honesty is my best policy. And I came out and said, "Listen, I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship before this. Honestly, I probably shouldn't even be dating now, because it's only been a hand full of months since I kicked him completely out of my life. But here I am, I enjoy your company, and I don't want to stop a potentially good thing because of my issues. But I thought you should know so you can make the decision going forward."

He took it well. He took it beyond well. I mean, I often do say things to scare away guys, to see just how much they can take before they think, oh no, this one is damaged goods, let's walk away now. But this was different, I didn't want to scare him off, I wanted him to understand that when it comes to certain things, it's going to take time with me. And a lot of it.

And truthfully, I don't even know if I want a relationship out of this. Not just because of the ex, but I'm at a point in my life where a lot of things are being built up, put into place, and I am focusing 100% on me and my career. But, at the same time, I really don't want to piss away something else that could possibly be good for me.

I've learned something very important, something I think I always knew but never really practiced. I don't need to be with anyone. I'm actually very happy with myself and on my own. Other guys may have tried to tell me otherwise, say how I cannot cope with being alone, but the truth is I think they didn't want to admit to themselves that I really didn't need them. So they crafted environments that made me reliable on them, in one way or another, and couldn't take it when I felt suffocated and lashed out.

When I first moved to Atlanta, I did cling to my ex. I was alone in a new city with no real friends. It wasn't just that he was my boyfriend, but he was one of my best friends. I don't think he ever understood that. I was afraid. I was alone. And I wanted a friend.

All that is different now, coming on nearly 2 years of living here and I have amazing friends. Some of them I had even in the beginning, but I just didn't realize it and clung to the familiar.

So even with my insomnia, which usually brings the worse of thoughts to my head, I can't seem to find them. I think about how there should be things holding me back, other than the, "I want to take my time with this one, get to know him and keep the fun, exploring and learning about one another phase going as long as I can." Because, as I'm learning, that's a pretty fun place to be in.

Cheers to moving forward!

Letting Go

I know I haven't been very dedicated about keeping this blog up to date. I still feel very strongly about wanting to help other people in this situation, but as far as my own goes, somewhere along the road I just left that bag on the side and never looked back.

Unfortunately the same can't be said about other people. I added a stat counter to this awhile back and have been tracking and logging IPs for about a month and a half now. It's interesting to see who reads this page, how often, and where they come from.

I will continue to keep this blog up for future readers, and to link to stories and articles that will further growth and moving forward. This blog has allowed me to move on. By letting out all of my feelings and frustrations, I found they didn't have to dwell inside of me all the time. Am I 100% perfect and over things? No. But I have moved forward. And it's nice. There was a time when I never thought I would be able to smile, or not have a day without crying. The last time I cried was when I saw my mom last week because I was so happy to see her! I think that is a pretty good reason to cry. ;D

Thank you everyone who's followed my journey and have been a part of my growth and moving forward. It's nice to look forward to tomorrow, excited about what new adventure awaits!

Cold War

(Janelle Monae)

So you think I'm alone?
But being alone's the only way to be
When you step outside
You spend life fighting for your sanity

This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

If you wanna be free?
Below the ground's the only place to be
Cause in this life
You spend time running from depravity

This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?
This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

Bring wings to the weak and bring grace to the strong
May all evil stumble as it flies in the world
All the tribes comes and the mighty will crumble
We must brave this night and have faith in love

I'm trying to find my peace
I was made to believe there's something wrong with me
And it hurts my heart
Lord have mercy, ain't it plain to see?

This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

Bye, bye, bye, bye
Don't you cry when I say goodbye

Bye, bye, bye, bye
Don't you cry when I say goodbye

The Homefront

The other day I was asked to participate in a very amazing fundraiser that focuses on domestic abuse. In addition to just telling my own story and recovery, I've also offered to write some articles and get my stagnating journalist muscle flexing. In doing so, I've done a lot of research on the subject and am just shocked at some of the things I didn't know!

Some of the things just seem so... simple in a way, but it strikes home. If I had to do a piece on abuse while I was in the relationship, and furthermore read some of these things, would it have alerted me to my own situation sooner?

From the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence on signs of emotional abuse: Putting her down.Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she is crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.

I could have bolded every thing in that list. I know it seems almost common sense, but just seeing the stark numbers of it, next to charts against physical and sexual abuse makes me realize how prominent emotional abuse is in our society.

One of the things I hope to focus on is how society can take action against this. Like I have mentioned many times over, I have encountered a disturbing amount of resistance to mt situation, up to having people ask for proof on the situation. I have offered up names and contact info of people who would gladly speak of things they witnessed, but none have made the effort to get in touch them. It's alarming to me that we would bury our heads in the sand about this issue so much, because we don't want it affecting our little view of the world.

To an extent I can understand and forgive people who would call me a liar and believe what he says over me. As a friend put it, "[he] does a good job of destroying someone's reputation and character before they even get a chance to tell their side of things." It's true, I saw that enough.

I don't really stand to gain anything by going public about this. As I've stated before, I am not looking for retribution or punishment for my ex. If I did, I'd be a lot more public about who it is and a lot more forceful in having my story heard in places it would matter to him. No, what I want is a social revolution, of sorts, and for people to wake up and realize this does happen. Yeah, the guy you know may be funny, happy-go-lucky and "not capable of these things." But how well do you really know him? For four years of friendship I thought I did. I hate to be cliche, but how many murderers and sexual predators do you hear their friends and family say in news bites, "I never suspected that of him."

A sign of a good abuser, liar, and sociopath is they can hide these things even from their best friends and family. In my case, a lot of people were aware of this man's behaviour, but though that with me he was either better, or felt the need to not get involved because they didn't know me. And it is tough to get involved and speak out to someone who sees the good in this person and chooses to not believe the negative things they have been told before.

I will say the things I have learned about my ex since becoming public about this are disgusting. I knew he had some obscure tastes and bad judgment calls when it came to associating with women online, but the tales of underage solicitation for webcam pics and the level he weeds his way into women's lives makes me wonder how much he was hiding from me during our time together.

Some people would say that it is my job to make sure he gets what he deserves. But in all honesty, until every person who has told me what they know in private makes the choice to open up and speak about it, I am just one person with one story, and apparently in some circles, my word isn't worth much.

So until the time that other people feel they can stand up with me, and those around the world will stand with their friends who have gone through or are going through this, I will plug away here, and do what I can to encourage the world that we need to stand together and fight this.



Here are a couple of sites I was researching today:
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/FactSheets.php
http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence.html
http://www.rileycenter.org/domestic-violence-statistics.html
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/FactSheets.php

Naivety

Sometimes I live in a world of black and white and absolutes. I understand that life isn't at all like that, but sometimes it's hard for my sheltered mind to comprehend that there is a gray space in between.

And perhaps it is naive for me to think that because of what happened to me, I have a right to speak up, a right to be heard, and a right to be believed. I never once expected to have to face being called a liar, or having my story doubted.

It is so hard for me to understand, in this modern and learned society of ours, that I would encounter what I have since coming forward about my abuse. I'm not going to apologize if this embarrasses anybody. I'm not going to be made to feel bad if this makes life inconvenient for him. Furthermore, the negativity has given me an even greater reason to speak out about my particular story, because it means there are other people out there who are facing this, and they need a voice of their own.

It is ridiculous to me that I have been told to produce proof or ask his other exes to revisit their own pain and share their stories.

If they want to, they are welcome to. I am sure they are just done with that chapter in their life and want to move on, as one day I will even move on from this blog. I will not ask my friends to get involved, but they have certainly not shied away from anyone who has asked them what happened. (And, they know they are welcome to speak at length about what they have witnessed and known, and do not need to ask my permission to do so). They may not have seen the worst of it, but they saw enough to know what was going on was bad.

Someone told me the other day that they heard his side of the story, and that it didn't match up with mine. Well, of course not, I don't think he's going to say, "Well, yes, I did in fact put her down constantly and make her feel like shit. And no, no, I didn't hit her, but I did attack her. You know, it's just not the same as striking someone."

When he would tell the story of his one ex who claimed physical abuse, he twisted the story to some ridiculous version that you simply could not believe. When she told her side of the story, it was certainly a lot more plausible, but I discredited her all the same. I really believed, because of what this person had said and I had seen gone on through fights on the internet, that she was capable of fabricating such tales.

I still kick myself for not taking her warnings, and am shamed for doing to her what I am going through now.

I really thought that if I was the one to go public, it would make a difference. For all the people that read this and feel uncomfortable, or feel the need to lay blame on me, or call into question what I went through, get out of my life now. I don't need your negativity or your ambivalence.

What do I hope to achieve from all this? Someone asked me that yesterday. They wanted to know if I wanted an apology from certain people, or him to be shunned from society. I told them no. I don't want any of that. I want people to understand what happened to me. I want him to get the help he needs for his issues. And I want to do what I can to make sure other people who are in abusive situations know they have the choice of leaving.

Thank You

It was a strange sense of freedom I felt when I woke up this morning. I didn't think I would sleep at all last night, after making this blog public. It's something I've been considering doing for awhile, not just to make my auxiliary friends aware of why I haven't been in the best of moods and mindset over the past year or so, but because I know that sharing my struggles and triumph over them can, and will help someone else.

 I was amazed at the response I had when I woke up this morning. I don't know what I was expecting (the worse, probably) but so many people emailed and messaged me to let me know I was doing the right thing... and furthermore, so many people shared their own stories with me. I simply had no idea.

I don't think abuse is something that defines us, or should be who we are. I don't say I am a victim. Yet, I am now among the members of a group of people who have gone through hell and come out better for it. That gives me something to smile about.

Because no matter what he says, or random people online who feel the need to make their negativity (anonymously) known, I can go forward knowing I am a better person for all of this.