Monday, June 6, 2011

Courage and Strength

One day I'll be strong enough to say aloud what I finally said to my best friends tonight.

And maybe I should. Starting now.

Excerpts from a conversation tonight:

    Me: You know, I just care too much about people who shouldn't matter. I'm going to take your advice and just remove them from my facebook. I keep seeing things I don't want to, and then (name omitted) tried to give me shit today. Apparently people are upset about a blog I've been keeping...

   Me: I politely told him to fuck off, but he msged me while I was in the middle of work with a string of shit that I know came from him.

My friend then asked what blog I was referring to. One of my best friends who I haven't even told about this. I know some people read it, and more people know now about this blog than I imagined, but it's so hard to be truly open about all this. I still lack that courage.

    Me: See, it's so private you don't even know about it, but somehow HE does.

   Me: I've been writing...
    It's obvious to anyone who knows me
    what it's about

  Friend: I know it feels like it's passive aggressive but it confronts the issue without having to actually hear the other side's nonsense (about removing people from Facebook)

    Me: No, it's for the best
    I've been doing good with him removed
    and if it means I have to remove the people he is connected with, it will only help me get better
    I have you, (friend), (roomie) and so many more good friends to make in this world
    I don't need to hold on to people who will try to make me feel ashamed about what I went through
    So I know it's stupid but I was looking at photos (person on Facebook) posted
    and that new girl he is with apparently worked on this film
   And what upsets me, aside from seeing all my "friends" friends with her now. What I'm upset about is I  remembered all the times I wanted to work on [a project with this group] and he said no, what do you have to offer? you can't do anything, you'd get in the way
   and you know that overwhelming feeling I have had for so long about me not being good enough? that's why I'm upset right now
    it's just the truth of how I feel, so powerless, and that he made me feel so useless and not good enough. I thought I was getting past it, but I think the root of a lot of my problems is that right there
    How I feel.

And there it is.The dirty, ugly truth of it. I feel like I'm not good enough. He made me feel like I wasn't a good enough girlfriend, a good enough friend, a good enough person.

Three times, with three different groups of his friends, I found myself feeling awkward and like I didn't fit in. I went to him with these fears, and was met with, "that is your problem. You are a diva, you look down on everyone, you make people feel stupid, you're a bitch; it's no wonder people don't like you."

I am a proud person. I do think very highly of myself. It can easily be said by a lot of people who don't know me well, or knew me in the past, that yeah... I was a bitch. It was my armour. But all that went away a few years ago, when I realized how many good people I lost with trying to protect myself. I wish I had that armour now. I do not know how to feel worthless, and yet I do. I wake up every morning, and I wonder how am I going to meet this day. I go to bed at night afraid of what I will have to deal with tomorrow, either from him, but mostly with myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment