Sunday, June 26, 2011


Sometimes I live in a world of black and white and absolutes. I understand that life isn't at all like that, but sometimes it's hard for my sheltered mind to comprehend that there is a gray space in between.

And perhaps it is naive for me to think that because of what happened to me, I have a right to speak up, a right to be heard, and a right to be believed. I never once expected to have to face being called a liar, or having my story doubted.

It is so hard for me to understand, in this modern and learned society of ours, that I would encounter what I have since coming forward about my abuse. I'm not going to apologize if this embarrasses anybody. I'm not going to be made to feel bad if this makes life inconvenient for him. Furthermore, the negativity has given me an even greater reason to speak out about my particular story, because it means there are other people out there who are facing this, and they need a voice of their own.

It is ridiculous to me that I have been told to produce proof or ask his other exes to revisit their own pain and share their stories.

If they want to, they are welcome to. I am sure they are just done with that chapter in their life and want to move on, as one day I will even move on from this blog. I will not ask my friends to get involved, but they have certainly not shied away from anyone who has asked them what happened. (And, they know they are welcome to speak at length about what they have witnessed and known, and do not need to ask my permission to do so). They may not have seen the worst of it, but they saw enough to know what was going on was bad.

Someone told me the other day that they heard his side of the story, and that it didn't match up with mine. Well, of course not, I don't think he's going to say, "Well, yes, I did in fact put her down constantly and make her feel like shit. And no, no, I didn't hit her, but I did attack her. You know, it's just not the same as striking someone."

When he would tell the story of his one ex who claimed physical abuse, he twisted the story to some ridiculous version that you simply could not believe. When she told her side of the story, it was certainly a lot more plausible, but I discredited her all the same. I really believed, because of what this person had said and I had seen gone on through fights on the internet, that she was capable of fabricating such tales.

I still kick myself for not taking her warnings, and am shamed for doing to her what I am going through now.

I really thought that if I was the one to go public, it would make a difference. For all the people that read this and feel uncomfortable, or feel the need to lay blame on me, or call into question what I went through, get out of my life now. I don't need your negativity or your ambivalence.

What do I hope to achieve from all this? Someone asked me that yesterday. They wanted to know if I wanted an apology from certain people, or him to be shunned from society. I told them no. I don't want any of that. I want people to understand what happened to me. I want him to get the help he needs for his issues. And I want to do what I can to make sure other people who are in abusive situations know they have the choice of leaving.

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