Shame

As a child, I would watch movies or TV shows, where a girl would be in an abusive, or at least unloving relationship. It's so easy to yell at the screen and say, "Why don't you just leave him?" 'If that were me, I wouldn't put up with it. I'd just walk away."

Where was that 12 year-old-girl last year, or even three months ago? It's so easy to see things from the outside, and as many of my friends have reminded me, it's a different situation when you're the one in love.

Things never start off bad, though really, if you heard me tell things to my doctor the other morning you would wonder why I even stayed in the relationship past 2 months. It's not that he was cruel, by any means, but he still made me cry. A whole lot. And maybe that is my fault, I saw so many sides of this person... a great man who swore to protect me and love me and promised me he wouldn't ever leave my side. And this brooding, petulant child who at age thirty would throw temper tantrums if things didn't go his way. Then there was the victim. The guy who had been so brutally put upon by his ex girlfriend who made him out to be a monster and an abuser, but none of us ever took her seriously because she had a track record of being dramatic and lying. How were any of us supposed to know that somewhere she had a truth to her story? He played it so well. The drama she caused, the hurt she did to him. Then there was the second ex. The girl, a decade younger than him, who he loved and swore he would marry, but lied and cheated him all the same. She was evil too, we heard. Only to realize, she was a child, with no real notion of love and how the world worked. And still, she had stories to tell, to those still around to listen.

I heard these stories and I scoffed. It always sounded so crazy, how could this boy, slimmer than me and barely an inch taller, be so brutal? No, these girls are crazy, just like he says. He says I am crazy too, now. At some point when do you start realizing there is only one common factor in this equation, and it's not that all his exes were unnatural red-heads....

The last correspondence I got from him, about three weeks ago now, was this:

"It's funny, I actually haven't badmouthed you other than to be exasperated at the amount of shitspewing you've done. I know you were hurt, but really, you're an adult, your behavior is inexcusable. I accept your apology on one condition that you contact everyone you lied to and set the record straight."

There was a time that hearing something like that I would jump, and run to everyone I know and say, "don't be mad at him. He's just going through a hard time. I am too harsh on him, please ignore my complaining, it's my problem, not his." Instead I showed that to some friends who were with me and overwhelmingly they said, "What a classic abusive move." And the consoled me that I had done nothing wrong. One of them had even heard a great deal amount of things he had been saying about me, which is nothing new. I don't know why he thinks he can lie to me and I wont know. Sure, I do not see a group of (former?) mutual friends who have chosen to take sides in the matter, but I still hear things. He couldn't refrain from speaking ill about me to some of our best friends while we were together, why would he think I wouldn't know what he says when we're apart?

I am proud of myself, though. I didn't jump. I didn't cringe. I stood tall and said I am done. Even though he is out of my life as much can be expected (we still run in same circles and I know I will have to see his face again someday), he still haunts me. I wish I could believe he isn't giving me the same charming he gives his other exes. I mean, what can you expect of me? When for a year and a half of a relationship, and nearly 4 years of friendship, all I heard about was how evil, crazy, spiteful, insane and downright shitty these people were? Not just his exes, but ex-friends, or random people on the internet or the anime convention scene who are out to get him.

I dated a paranoid schizophrenic for four years, and you don't think I saw the signs of plain paranoia going on? But I thought I could help him. I thought by showing him someone who truly loved him, and surrounding him with good people he would not have to feel the victim. It didn't work. Then I became the problem, the monster, the one who was wearing on his soul. He always needs to be the hero, and a hero always needs a villain. How could someone who all she wanted to do was love this person and have him love her in return be so evil? Even today, even when I want nothing to do with him, I still don't understand what it was I did so wrong... other than to love the wrong person.

I accomplished one thing. I brought him a new group of friends, and they seem like good and kind people. I don't understand why they have turned their back on me. I have never once asked anyone to take sides in this, if anything, I want people who are as unaffected by this situation as possible to remain near him, because even he deserves people who care about him. I just don't understand why I had to be left on the curb. Why is it I'm the one left feeling so ashamed for what happened?

I am fortunate because the friends I have are marvelous. They have been with me through the thick of it, saw the signs and stood by me even when I knew I should have left. They are my true friends. I know I shouldn't worry about what some people, who I only knew for a few months, may or may not think of me. But it hurts, to feel abandoned. That is why I would walk away and not cause too much issue with them, because even still, I do not want him to feel abandoned. I know that feeling all too well...

And still, there are people, his "mouthpieces" my friends and I call them, that would tell me to stop talking about this. That I am inciting drama, or making him feel bad, and that I should be ashamed to say such things. Ashamed.

And that is the worse thing a person who has gone through what I have can be left feeling: shame.

I always would yell at the TV, and tell that girl in there she had nothing to be sorry for. She put up with the monster and survived, why would she take it out on herself?

I wonder, why do I still take it out on myself?