Fears

Despite a great weekend, since I've been back, I've been locking myself up more than usual, and avoiding even my "safe" friends. Obviously the people I surround myself with now are aware of what's happened to me (if not first hand witnesses of it, and are the ones who helped me break away from the situation) but sometimes... I just don't know.

I just don't feel like I belong.

Everyone will be having a great time, laughing at an inside joke we all share, or a silly video on the internet and my mind will be elsewhere. I hate feeling like I'm bringing down everyone around me, even though they all encourage me to be open about this and not bottle it up.

Sometimes though other friends and acquaintances will come around, and I have to deal with the reality outside of this safe haven I've built up for myself.

Lately, more and more people have been coming to me and saying, 'I was talking to your ex the other day, and he said something strange/weird/awkward/ridiculous. He said that if I heard from you that he hit you to not believe it and you're making it up. So, um, are you okay/what's going on?'

The first few times this was brought up, my heart raced and the memory of that night would come upon me like some catastrophic event. Now I just sigh in exacerbation and say the same thing I have since the first time, "No, he didn't hit me. He shoved me and his hands went around my neck. Then he chased me out of his house, and when I got into my car, started banging on the window, then stood in front of [my car] when I was trying to get away." At this point any one of my friends who either rescued me that night, or heard him admit to this on a speakerphone conversation, if they are around, will jump in and say, "It doesn't matter is he hit her, chocked her, or simply shoved her. You don't lay your hands on someone out of anger. And... you probably should have run him over." I know they add the last bit to try and make me laugh.

Then the person who initially brought up this conversation would generally hug me, or tell me they are sorry, or more often than not lately, tell me how they thought something was up based on previous rumours of this person physically attacking other girlfriends (and not just the one everyone knows about).

It's still so hard to talk about this, even when I am "defending" myself. I really don't know what to do sometimes. I live in constant fear of this person, because I know once he has decided someone is his "enemy" he does everything he can to make them out to be a terrible human being, and find ways to take away the things they love. I know this, because I watched him do this time and again to so many people.

I should have stopped him from doing it to others. I should have run away when the first time I thought "if I ever leave him, or give him reason to doubt me, he will do this to me too."

When I first broke up with him I was in tears to anyone that would listen about the fears I had of what he would try to do to me. Everyone said he wouldn't, that he isn't like that, or the ones that knew him better said "What can he really do to you? You're too good, you have a real life, a real career, and real friends." But I still remember trying to find someone who would listen to me.

I've tried to bury my head in the sand enough to not see or hear about what he may be trying to do, but it still filters through. I also know that by continuing this blog, I invite more of his anger and the potential for him to continue on this path, or it getting worse, grows.

But I feel, somehow, if I document this and if it does happen, then people will know. Someone will listen this time.