Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Outsider

I've increasingly found myself feeling like an outsider in my own life. It's a problem I've dealt with for the majority of what I can remember, but it seems worse now. I think my friends have picked up on it to (or they found this blog and read a previous entry) and have been really good about making sure I know I'm important in their lives. And it's nice, great... really. But I still have some garbage dragging me down.

I can't stop help thinking about another group of friends I had, and wonder what I did that was so wrong to make them cease talking to me all together. This was a group that I really believed in, and thought, "Wow, these people get it. They'll be good. They're ambitious, and seem to want the best for everyone around them." Then, inevitably, like I do with any already established group of people I find myself in, I started to feel like I didn't really belong. I developed my usual set of fears that they didn't like me, based on a myriad of reasons, and on top of that, the ex would find ways to make me feel like such a horrible person about being a "diva, bitch, stuck up snob, elitist, etc" that he pretty much had me convinced there is no reason these good people should like me.

They were also some of the first people I came out to about my problems with him. The first ones I really opened up to, outside of a few friends who saw and knew what was going on and were trying to get me to leave the situation. And maybe it was my own fault this happened. Though they all expressed horrified sympathy with what I told them, I also encouraged them to remain his friend and not get involved (I really didn't think they would get involved, they are the type of people to kind of stay out of drama). But I didn't want my problems inconveniencing anyone. I just also thought that they would be there for me as well.

And they haven't been there for me like I wanted. But it's my fault for not telling them that I need them, too. And it just makes me feel like a shitty person.

I've recently learned I have a reputation (among the internet, and generally people who do not matter) as a person who burns bridges and goes through groups of people. I think if you don't know me, and know of my alter-ego (and mainly what is said on tabloid related sites that people who watched foriegn cartoons or play video games all day long lurk on) that I can see where it would seem that way. I have been a part of many groups, and usually within a year or two I leave them.

Other than two cases, I can't think of a single one where it ended badly though. And even now, I'm friends with a good majority of those people. Are we as close as we were? In some cases, even closer. That's the thing, friends do have falling outs, I accept that, and I think because of that, I tend to be extra shy when problems or "drama" arises. Also, every one of these groups I was a part of had one thing in common, nerd conventions and dressing up like cartoon characters. Outside of that circle of friendships, I'll be honest, I haven't had a single falling out with people that it wasn't able to be repaired in a week or a month at most. And that drama never found itself made public and on the internet.

I just think with artists there is an element of the dramatic, and we're all very creative, and emotional people, so tempers tend to run a little higher, and things are taken a bit more personal. So, I mean, I tend to be a bit head-shy when I start to see conflicts arise with those groups of people. My general response? Flight.

I really hate conflict. It seems almost like a lie, since I often find myself in it. But I will stick up for things I believe in, and it usually leads me to an argument with someone I can't hope to win. But that is usually on an individual basis. I just don't know how to handle myself in a group of friends. I think it's because I always felt like the outsider.

I'm very thankful for this "new" group of old friends that has built up organically around me. I feel safer here, because I didn't step in to an already established dynamic, and two of them I had a brutal falling out with and I feel we are closer, and better friends for it. They have been very supportive for everything I am going through. They understand this isn't easy, and I wont get better in a day or a week. They have even gotten good at picking up my slight changes in mood, and do what they can to cheer me up, or make me feel included, when I would otherwise retreat into a book or video game.

I think I would be in a very sorry state of depression if it wasn't for my friends. It's very hard combating the words my "dark side of the brain" will whisper to me. All the things he cultivated in me. Fears I had never known, this overwhelming feeling of "not being good enough" and the constant reminder of how horrible a person I was.

There was a time when I would believe I deserved all this. That I would push away even these good people because I felt I wasn't worth it. I see things a little bit different now. I know I have a lot to overcome, and I know there are things I've done that haven't always been kind, or right, or in the best interest of others. But nothing I've done is evil, nothing I've done can compare to what he did to me (and others, too). My friends are teaching me that lesson, and I am finally starting to learn it.

Thank you.

4 comments:

  1. You're a silly excuse for a troll @sbarret. Get a life while you remember what typing in real words feels like.

    M, honey I admire your strength and I hope that you continue this path of healing. You are an inspiration in your willingness to harness the courage you have found to stand and speak, as it were. My prayers are with you.

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  2. she speaks because the more ppl pay attention to her the less she worries abt killing her mom one stolen rent dollar at a time

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  3. Bri - thank you. And it's obvious this is just some sad soul who has bigger issues than I do, if they have the need to be so negative about something so personal. I can't imagine what sorry sort of life they lead if they feel the need to mock someone's pain.

    It's the whole reason I finally left the person this blog is "dedicated" to. I am tired of having to deal with such negative people in my life.

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